When a relationship falls apart, we fall apart in many ways. It is a challenge for all involved persons. It is time for reflection, for mourning, for new starts… In such moments it is important to know we are not alone!
When a relationship falls apart, all persons involved face many challenges.
Today a mother of three, a good friend, a witty joker, an attractive woman, a dancer (and she is many more things) shares her story with us. She chose to write under the pseudonym Zenska. She writes about how her visit at my house helped her: I didn’t know that! I am honored to have been there for her when she made that break-through! Below there is an excerpt from her diary. She writes honestly without euphemizing. She writes about a point in her life in which she broke up with the father of her three children and also lost her job.
My favorite part is where she describes how she switched perspectives. From a victim at the bottom of the pyramid she shifted to a perspective where she was an equal, capable of coping with the situation, capable of choosing what to see and how to see it. This is crucial: to realize we have a choice! I also like the part in which she feels that it is ok to get mad, to feel anger. She allows herself to be loved by herself despite feeling anger.
From a small victim at the bottom of a pyramid she shifted to being equal. She could choose what to look at and how to feel!
Today Zenska is happily in love and she is cooperating well with her ex with upbringing of their kids. Well done! She is studying different types of massage and enjoys her new work. Let this story encourage you and inspire all of you dealing with similar difficulties!
I Deserve Better!
I deserve better! This thought has been echoing in my head like a small bell since morning. My body still resists it, but I am trying to relive again and again the truth that was given to me through tonight’s dream.
I dreamed of a party. There was a man there. I wasn’t paying special attention to him, but somehow we were always together. I felt magnetism, kind of attraction between us, I wanted to spend more than just one evening with him. He was by my side and at the same time somewhere else, he was speaking despite staying silent, his presence was calming me down.
Then we got in a car and one woman wanted to drive my car. We reached the sea. At the shore there were frozen sea waves sticking up in the air – about half a meter tall and nicely curved as if someone had drawn them. That man and I were standing outside and that drunk driver drove my car into the sea. She just kept on driving until the whole car was under water! She felt sorry, but didn’t apologize and I was mad, so mad! I couldn’t understand why would she do that!?!? In one moment I started blaming myself for my anger, but then I felt his presence and I knew it was all right no matter what I did, whether I got angry or not. I felt that I can be calm even when I am angry, that everything is acceptable and he would still be accepting me.
And so I woke up with a feeling that I deserve a better man!!
On Friday my ex and I had a short circuit in our communication again. It was bad. I felt so bad! I was driving around Ljubljana for an hour – I wouldn’t dare go home, the empty apartment would’ve killed me. I called my friends, my cousin, no one answered… Then I got one friend on the phone and thank god she received me. I stayed there until 10 pm, complained a little, cried a little and then I returned home, got a shower and went to bed.
…
I started writing about my visit at Tadeja’s house. I was telling her everything… I don’t know what happened in me then, but it was as if I had shifted from one angle to a new one concerning my perspective!
Just a minute ago (as I was talking to Tadeja) I felt restricted, cornered, I felt small observing everything from bottom up. I was at the bottom of a reversed pyramid (a pyramid standing on its head). I felt like a victim. And then it happened – now I am as tall as everything else, equal. Anywhere I turn to, it is all even, as if making a full circle with a camera. I decide what I look at and what I see! I can look and if I don’t like it, I can turn away. This break-through in my perception happened to me this weekend!
This weekend my ex attended some spiritual workshop and I decided to drive children’s things to his house where his mother was babysitting them. On the way there I drove past the place where they had that workshop. At home I had felt relatively ok and I had been thinking of taking the kids for a few hours so that they wouldn’t be with their grandmother for the whole weekend. But as I was approaching the place of that workshop, I got so nervous that I started screaming like an animal (with car windows closed, of course!)! I had to stop. I was merely 100 meters away from that workshop. I started walking up and down, anger escalating in me, flooding me. I felt so stupid! I remembered a suggestion my friend had once given me: about a woo-doo doll. I started picturing vividly all the places where I would put the needles into (on the you-know-who’s doll).
I kept on swearing some more and then I sat down by the water stream. I asked it to take all this shit away! The most important thing was: I didn’t feel guilty for feeling anger.
Behind my back I was feeling that “workshop” and I couldn’t help myself but saying: “F*** them! The hell with such “enlightened people” who think of them as chosen ones, f*** my ex and his spiritual growth if his approach to helping me is kicking me in the a** with a smile on his face and his words: “Relaaaax!”
I drove on and got even more nervous by the time I reached the kids. I just gave them a kiss and knew I had no business there. They were glad to see me, but they obviously “felt me” because they accepted me going back alone right away without making problems.
As I returned to Ljubljana I walked to the mall, bought a few things, bought some cigarettes and slowly smoked two by the river – with each smoke I was relaxing more. As I came home, I fell asleep right away. My cat came to sleep at my feet: lately he does that often, looks like him, too, has his cycles. Then I dreamed those dreams I described above.
The motive constantly appearing in my dream is water. Those frozen waves symbolized my anger which I then passed on to the stream near the workshop. In the dream I was given a message: “It is ok to be angry, nothing is wrong with me, it goes away quickly when I let myself feel it!” I tried to follow the old pattern of blaming and humiliating myself in that dream, but I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t feel like it! I just accepted that that woman sunk my car (she was probably representing my ex’s new girlfriend), I wasn’t interested in that anymore. It felt so nice and cosy by the water – this pleasant feeling put me into another state of being. I managed to see the bigger picture, it was warm, and that man from the dream was somewhere near…
…and then I knew and saw it with utmost clarity: I was losing my vital energy on petty, unimportant things instead of enjoying open air, vastness and light. I chose this for myself, I put myself in the corner! Obviously it had to be this way in order for me to wake up!
Lately I have been reflecting a lot upon “false authorities”. Men as false authorities. In Russian language our word for men (In Slovene: moski) means “small flies”. How Russian women laughed when they found that out!
I will write about Russians next time because I am going to bed.
Good night, don’t let the men, I mean bed bugs bite!
P.S. Cordial thanks to painter Majda Lisac for kindly letting me use her sketches for my blog! Her works of art radiate subtle atmosphere in 1001 manners!